The Mind of a Single Guy
By: Justin Rebello
Oh man, it's morning.
Damn.
Oh boy.
Pitching a tent.
That was a solid Shakira dream last night.
Better take care of that.
Oops roommate is here.
Come on.
Leave.
Okay here goes.
(5 to 7 minutes later)
Ok, starting my day.
Gotta get clean.
This shirt should get me laid by day's end.
Shampoo is better.
HAHA Damn Billy Madison is funny.
Is my thing really that small?
No. It's not.
It's the water.
But I thought that was cold water.
No. Gotta be hot.
Ok, time to dry off.
This shirt won't get me laid.
Ahh fuck it, I wasn't going to get laid anyway.
Shaving is cool.
Why do girls complain about shaving their legs?
I damn near rip my jugular every morning.
Boobs.
Jugular is a funny word.
So is mustard.
I guess a lot of words are funny if you think about it.
Mustard.
I'm hungry.
Need sandwich.
Shit.
Class in 20 minutes.
Lots of time.
Boobs.
Oh yeah, hot girls in class.
Get there early, see boobs.
Boobs?
Ok.
Sandwich later.
God it's cold.
Cold enough for hard nipples.
Boobs.
The elevator is the most impersonal place in the world. No two random people who meet on an elevator will ever like each other.
This is the gayest looking dude I've ever seen.
He probably still gets laid more though.
Yeah.
To guys.
HAHA, good one, brain.
Oh, figures, I get off the elevator, hot girl gets on.
I need a beer.
Beer later.
This class is so boring.
I bet this professor gets laid more than I do.
Yeah.
To guys.
That's getting old, brain.
Whoa, this kid next to me is falling asleep.
He's bobbing his head.
Oh, he's out.
Violent shake is coming 3 2 1.
HAHA.
This may very well be the most boring moment of my life.
How can they subject us to this.
Didn't Nazism die out?
Nazis were dicks.
Yeah.
That's a shame. I bet more people would still wear Adolf's moustache if he wasn't such a dick.
Like Robert E. Lee's?
Robert Lee was cool.
Was that the Civil War?
God, I'm so horny.
This is unhealthy.
This class has gotta be almost over.
Jesus.
45 minutes?!
Thank god that's over.
I need food.
Sandwich.
Eat.
Swallow.
Hey, why don't I check out the away messages of everyone on my buddy list?
, , , , , , , , .
I gotta use the toilet.
#1 or #2?
Hmm, I'll surprise myself.
When it comes right down to it, Faith Hill and Shania Twain may very well be the ultimate 3-way.
Stop thinking about 3-ways. Concentrate on a 2-way.
Like lesbians? No, like you and a girl...but come to think of it...lesbians are hot.
Yeah they are.
I wonder if football players ever shit themselves at the line of scrimmage.
Like, if their cleat slips in mud do they shit themselves?
That would be hilarious.
I would fake an injury.
You think that's why there are so many injuries?
You've played football before, you've never been injured.
I've also never shit myself.
In football or in life?
In football, obviously. I've shat myself on a number of occasions.
Like, recently?
Oh, no, back in the day.
I could go for some "Ain't Nothin But a G Thang".
Word.
Ok.
Flush.
How did the Lucky Charms thing go again?
Uh, hearts, clovers, stars, rainbows.
No no.
I think it was that.
No, it had rainbows.
I said rainbows! Rainbows, hearts, stars, clovers, balloons.
I don't even think I can spell balloons.
God, you're stupid.
You're the brain, dumbass.
Shit, class in 10 minutes.
Screw it.
Play Madden.
Good idea.
Isn't there a paper due?
Tomorrow, damn, gotta start that.
Madden first.
I need a beer.
Can't.
Not on a school night.
Who made that rule?
I did.
Why?
I dunno.
Is one beer gonna kill you?
Is it peer pressure if I'm trying to coax myself?
Hey, Socrates, quit waxing philosophical and have a beer.
Phone is ringing.
Maybe someone wants to have sex with you.
No one who would call me would wanna have sex with me.
You never know.
Shit.
It's my mom.
Jesus, you were talking about sex with your mom.
Shut up.
Mom wants to know why I'm not in class.
Tell her you're sick.
Umm, stomachache.
What is this? First grade?
I wonder if my parents still have sex.
Don't think about that. That's how people get warped.
Dinner.
Need food.
Ugh.
Cooking.
This is why people get married.
Why? Your dad cooks.
True.
Shit.
Now I need that beer.
No beer!
Ahh god!
Boobs?
Haha, same as always.
Might as well go to bed.
Can't sleep.
Umm, formulate your list of 100 girls you wanna sleep with.
Ok.
100. Reese Witherspoon.
99. New school Punky Brewster.
98. This is dumb.
I'm going online.
Everyone is in bed.
God, it's only...damn it's 1:45.
I have class tomorrow.
Why don't you do that diary thing?
Oh, yeah, how about a point by point list of thoughts from your day?
Good idea, brain.
The Golden Rules of Instant Messenger
By: Justin Rebello
Introduction: You've seen the phenomenon. During the semester, at least 75% of your buddy list is online. Then winter break hits and your buddy list is hit by an apparent bubonic plague. Because IM is so popular among us college kids, it is befitting that we should set forth a list of rules, nay commandments, to abide by. So here, in no particular order, is the prevailing IM Dogma.
I. In your AIM profile, there's no need to throw in loads of advertising space about your girlfriend/boyfriend/horse. Granted, I may be a jaded, single fool, but when your profile looks like this:
Baby, I love you. I love you. Oh baby I love you and miss you. See you soon. I love you. Baby, baby.
[Insert rows of nonsensical IM kissy-faces]
|
It's just annoying and disturbing. A subtle message is fine, but if you use either MUAH or those god-awful AIM faces (more on those in a sec), then AOL should spike you and you should be forced to communicate your rampant I LOVE YOU's through smoke signals you utterly whipped prick. (And that goes for you dickwads with the "Taken" Buddy Icons. Go fuck yourself!)
II. Please stop with LOL. Only about .4% of people actually "Laugh out Loud" and they are retarded. And don't give me this ROTFLMAO (Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off). I'd actually like to see you try this just so you can snap your neck as you fall out of your chair. Good. Nothing to LOL about now, is there?
III. Don't IM just to say "HI." Talking on AIM is the fast food equivalent of actual conversations. Keep the messages short and sweet. I assure you, you are not that interesting of a person. And if you were, why am I talking to you behind a keyboard and miles of bandwidth?
IV. You don't have to IM someone every time they are online. Nobody is that interesting. The average person spends more time wiping their ass than talking to their parents. No one can be conversational every time you IM them.
V. Stop with these oblique away messages like "Not here", "Away", "Gone", or using an AIM face. If you had to shit, fine. Tell us, we're concerned for your well being. And for the love of god don't use the default away message: "I am away from my computer right now." Don't you get disappointed when you see that?
VI. If you are talking on a cell phone with someone and IMing that person simultaneously, you deserve the impending radiation cancer.
VII. Don't ever send more than 5 messages in a row to someone. All that beeping could give someone a brain hemorrhage. It sounds like a damn Star Wars movie on my computer!
VIII. Stop using AIM faces. This is the lowest point of human interaction. It is more evolved to go to your friend's house and throw your own shit at their face.
IX. If someone sends you a link or a song to download, you are not obligated to ever visit that link or download that song. Making a suggestion is fine, but don't pester them about it for days to come. You are interrupting their porn time.
X. Blocking someone is about the cruelest thing you can do to them. Worse than murder. So if someone pisses you off, don't block them. Ignore them. Fill them with doubt as to whether you are still at your computer. Blocking is basically the Agent Orange of AIM abuse. Savagely cruel, use only when necessary.
XI. One "Bye" is all that is needed to end a convo. Too many convos drag on and on like the first hour of Pearl Harbor. They look a little like this:
Homo69: Ok man, later.
Buttfuk27: Yea, take it east.
Buttfuk27: easy*
Homo69: Yeah I will
Homo69: Later
Buttfuk27: Later, dude
Homo69: Goodnite
Buttfuk27: Oh hey
Homo69: Yeah?
Buttfuk27: Did you finish your paper?
Homo69: Yeah
Buttfuk27: Oh okay, cool
Homo69: ok, seeya later
Buttfuk27: Yep, bye
Homo69: Bye
Buttfuk27: Night
Previous message was not received by Homo69 because of error: User Homo69 really left this time.
XII. Don't try to describe your looks in your screen name. If your screen name is SexyGurl25, and you look like the love child of ALF and Carrot Top, that's false advertising. Besides, it really isn't nice to trick MegaStud21, who is actually a 40-year-old unemployed bald man that installed a webcam in your shower while you were at class.
XIII. Girls, it is not necessary to make your profiles look like the lost works of Emily Dickinson. A couple of clever lines is fine, but honestly, no one's turning to your profile as their daily source of sonnets.
XIV. Don't just type "yea" to your friend when you have nothing to say. I understand the flashing IM is intimidating, and a lot of people need to have the last word, but the "yea" is basically IM code for: "I have lost a lot of interest in this convo, and was kind of hoping we could just drift apart peacefully."
XV. No more than two numbers in your screen name. Three is okay, but only if it's to signal your birthday. It's already hard to remember what you decided to call yourself online, we really don't need the first 100 digits of pi. If your SN is: Queef67483857, just shorten it to Queef67. Or just Queef. I can't imagine too many people picking that one, it's too honest.
XVI. Don't type "BRB" then drive to Mexico. BRB has a 10 minute window. After that, it's away message time. AOL should install a feature that will automatically send gay porn to all your friends under your name once your comp is idle for 11 minutes after a BRB.
XVII. You can tell the mood a person is in by how much they type. Example:
PeeWee12: Hey, man.
Meat10: Yo, what's up, dude?
= Happy
PeeWee12: Hey, man
Meat10: Hey
= Melancholy
PeeWee12: Hey, man
Meat10: Go fuck yourself.
= Not happy.
XVIII. Don't put quizzes in your profile. What is the goal, exactly? To figure out who is your most prolific stalker?
XIX. If the Internet kicks you off, and then you sign back on, it is your duty to re-start the convo. I don't know why this is, but if the other person IM's you with "kicked off?" they are obsessed with you.
XX. If someone sends you one of those IM's that say you must IM 10 other people, in order to save a child dying of leukemia in Indonesia, drive to his house and beat him to death with his own keyboard. Then, take a deep breath, and go check your email.
There are part two's to both of these but they aren't really as good as these part ones.
